a wayfarer's journey...
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
My husband's been at the airport for a while....and he was running late and no sign of my sil. They (her, her hubby and 5 month old baby) are being held for further questioning. Isn't that just so typical? After travelling all day (from UK) they have to deal with this. Welcome to the Bush Empire!
Sneaky husband and motherhood
How come every time the cleaning people must come is my husband gone? He's either getting his hair cut or some other thing. The thing is they come once a month and he's ALWAYS gone that one day. I'm thinking he's doing it on purpose. And why is that I do more work around the house when the cleaning people come? I have to preclean before they clean. It just isn't right. I should have a break that two hours once a month shouldn't I? Argh.
Maybe I'm just grumpy because I stayed up late making LD a cool cool cool scarf and well he decided to grace me with his presense at 5am instead of his normal 7, DH is out of town arriving today and so is my sil and her family, bil and his tomorrow. That means, my behind is going to be dragging all day which sucks because I'm excited to see them.
The issues of my day: (1) i have a nasty cold and can't take medicine for it since i'm still nursing LD (2) I got three lousy hours of sleep (3) I cleaned the entire house at 8am (4) LD wore me out this morning fighting over his breakfast, his desire to empty every drawer in the house because he was mad at me for making him eat worms (jk).
I need a day off. When is mother's day? All I really want to do is be a woman again...if only for one day. One day without anyone asking anything of me, one day without this little person grabbing at my shirt, pulling on my leg, yelling his demands. A haircut would be nice too. I haven't had a haircut since God knows when. I swear, sometimes I think I should get back into the workforce so I can have a break. Work never looked so appealing. Heck, I'd probably enjoy an hour or two commute. Coffee breaks would take on a whole nother meaning for me and daily exercise that didn't consist of chasing another person, bending over picking up toys and blocks that'll break your foot if you don't watch it. Ah, it sounds so lovely. It's too bad I don't trust anyone with my little guy and it's too bad I'd miss him so intensely and worry about him all day if I were at work. He's still so breakable in my eyes.
I'm reading this book called "From High Heels to Bunny Slippers" by Christine Conners and this line struck a chord with me: "I often found myself envious of my husband's success at work and the simple freedoms he had, such as going to lunch with coworkers or travelling out of town. Although I truly believed that I had made the very best decision for our child, a part of me ached for the days when I was assured of my competence, knew who I was, and felt like a contributing member of society. My self-esteem disappeared with my previous identity, and depression filled the void."
I can so relate to this statement. As my freedom gets sucked up even more by toddlerhood I begin to feel lost. I don't usually post personal personal stuff because well, anyone can read this here blog including my long list of inlaws etc. but I think a lot of women go through this and don't talk about it and we should because, well we are human, even though on many days we may not feel like it. I was at the used bookstore the other day with Little Dude and well he began one of his moods...the ones where nothing makes him happy, the one where he wants to tear everything off shelves, break things, hurt himself by hitting his head against a wall, pulling his hair, mine and biting me. The one where if I pick him up or tell him to stop he screams a high pitched cry and all eyes focus on me - the one who can't control her child (does anyone actually know how to "control" their child? please tell me how). I just wanted to trade in three bags of books, browse the shelves for fifteen minutes and maybe find a book or two.
What I got was stress, credit that i'll never have the time to use and the realization that my life doesn't look anything like it did two years ago, before marriage, before Atlanta, before kids. I don't regret any of these decisions (well maybe Atlanta...i should have made my husband move to Colorado although I do like the people I've met here and really look forward to meeting people like Koonj :-) but I also miss part of that life. The one where I was able to browse bookshelves in stores, and where I had a little control over my day and could devote an hour to myself. To actually hear my thoughts for a minute.
I love my son more than life itself but I find myself sinking. I don't know if I would call it depression, but I want, no - I need - a little freedom. Weekends are busy so it's hard to get time to myself but I find the longer I put off getting a little time to myself, the worse I'm going to feel, and it might turn into depression.
I've mentioned before the lack of good decisions my parents made with me. I've sworn that I will not let anything happen to my little man and so I've kept him home with me where I knew he was safe (well except for the times he fell of the bed or the time he stood at the top of the stairs looking down - my heart thumping and my legs not moving fast enough, thank God he didn't go for it - and the time he pulled the runner off the table and a delicate glass vase shattered all around him, glass shards everywhere, him in the middle of pointed glass - heart thudding once again...you get the idea). I think I've gotten to a place where I need 3 hours of freedom a week so think it's time for him to join a Mother's Morning Out Program for 3 hours one day a week so I can have some time but how can I trust another person with this crazy little boy of mine. I could never live with myself if anything happened to him, nor would I want to. I want to let go of him a little so we can have a little space between us so our time together is better but I'm afraid someone will hurt him.
No one ever told me motherhood was going to be this hard. I honestly thought the newborn days were going to be the hardest and they were. What I didn't know is that it's all relative. The newborn days were the hardest days of my life at that time. Toddlerhood is a heck of a lot more work though and now that he has a mind of his own, I find these days truly challenging. They are the happiest days of my life and they are also the days that are giving me grey hairs. Yes, three of them to be exact.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I always miss Colorado but on days like today, 2 feet of snow and no end in sight, being trapped at home really makes me miss it.... I love snow days. I even like snow days that took three hours to get to work. Maybe I'm weird but there's something wonderful about bulky sweaters, scraping car windows, brushing snow off the car, a warm thermos of coffee etc. I miss the snow so much. Since I've been to Atlanta, it's only snowed fifteen minutes one day and it wasn't really snow...just sleet. I really miss it there though. Such natural beauty for every season.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
My neighbors are cool...one set of them, the rest stink. Anyway, they are older...as in they have children that are older than me but these are the coolest people around here. The man is a president of a university and his wife was a teacher but spends most of her time now golfing - a lot. They dislike Bush, and well, in Georgia, that's enough to bond over because it's such a rarity.
Anyyyyway, their daughter is Bahai and I've been wanting to meet her since they told me about her and did the other day and I just had her over for dinner - just the two of us since her husband isn't here and my hubby isn't home. She wanted to try Pakistani food so I made us a feast and we talked religion and life. She's got three boys. She also told me that her parents are taking a class at their church about Jesus in the Bible. I tell you, they are cool people. I really like them and give them Pakistani food every so often because they love it and she gives me her New York Times Book Review section.
What she was telling me about Bahai's is interesting. It's interesting to me that the part of Islam they adhere to is Shia...it's that way with Ismaeli's too. I just find it interesting because I get a lot of flack for being Shia and whenever someone actually agrees with Shia ideology, I'm surprised. Other things I found interesting was that pray set prayers with similar motions as Muslims and they fast once a year too but their year is set and their calendar is 16 months long. I think the first thing every new religion does is create a new calendar for themselves. Why is that?
She found me interesting and I found her interesting. It's too bad she lives in Africa because it would be nice to know someone like her here.
In other news, I'm looking forward to a house full of family. My husbands brother and sister and corresponding families are coming so LD gets to see all his Pakistani cousins, aunts and uncles (first ones) for a week all at once. How fun will that be? It's too bad my mil and fil aren't coming too but it'll be fun too see everyone.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not go in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
To make me less afraid,
To loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance.
So that which comes to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom
Goes on as fruit.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Weird stuff meme
I got tagged by Maliha and Masooma for this meme. You have to post six weird things about yourself and then tag six people. Be sure to let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
1. I hate noise. All of it. The birds chirping in the wee hours of the morning, snoring at night, silverware screeching against a plate, loud eating, incessant talking during the day. BUT, once i have my coffee in the morning, i love the birds and sounds of nature. I still can't stand the other stuff. Incessant talking makes me dizzy. Seriously. What's really odd is that I talk incessantly lol.
2. I don't like cold foods...ice cream, fruit from the fridge etc. Mostly because my teeth are sensitive but also because i like warm foods...tea, coffee, comfort food. A pillowy samosa and a cup of tea can make my entire day happy.
3. I hate my hands being cold or wet. I don't really like washing my hands especially as a mom because you wash them a kazillion times a day and they wrinkle up. I hate the feeling of dryness afterwards too. Especially using that nasty pink public restroom soap. I must put lotion on my hands right after washing them or i get a really icky feeling and can't touch anything for some time afterwards. Likewise, i cannot go to sleep until there is lotion on my hands, lotion on my feet and chapstick on my lips.
4. I'm going to duck for this one. I think Bin Laden is hot. On Sept 11, I sat at my brothers house learning about this mysterious man from CNN and I casually said "You know... he's pretty hot. Put him in Western clothes and he'd be a hotty." My brother, in shock, hit my leg really hard - he couldn't believe what I said. But I still stand by it, Bin Laden is hot. He's also very evil but he's also hot. It's the soulful eyes, lips, beard (see next strange thing) and confidence. Put a briefcase in his hand, trim the beard and put a suit on him and I'm telling you, you'll think so too.
5. I've always thought religious looking men were hot (I made Bin Laden seperate than this one because I don't think he is a religious man). I've always thought Hasidic Jews were hot, always loved skullcaps and kufi's, long beards, traditional religious dress, etc etc. I've never though Christians were hot though.
6. I've never liked sweets. I didn't like candy or cake or anything like that as a kid. But after being married, I'm now addicted to sweets and after each meal I need at least something a little sweet. Chai with 3, yes 3, teaspoonsfulls of sugar, a cookie, piece of chocolate etc. I used to hate chocolate btw.
And since I got tagged by Masooma too, 6 more bits of weirdness...
7. I don't remember much under the age of 6/7. Mostly because of traumatic events. I have only have a few memories. One is of my father standing near our schoolbus (we drove it from Oregon to NY when i was about 5) outside the World Trade Center (my dad's girlfriends brother or something worked security at the bldg) telling me how these buildings are very important, that a lot of the world's business occurs in them. Isn't that weird to remember that given that i only have about 8 memories from my youth. I also remember hiding from the Statue of Liberty going from Manhattan to Staten Island.
8. I can't do any one thing at a time. I have to do 3 things at a time. My mind just doesn't work that way.
9. I have theories about everything and in my mind they are facts. I spend a lot of time thinking about things. I get this from my dad because he used to always answer my questions "Think about it." or "Use your head." So now it's ingrained in me so i'm highly logical about things and spend a lot of time thinking about useless stuff. My husband used to think I was giving him facts and then one day asked "How do you know all this misc stuff." I explained that really it was just theories. My theories are very good though even he thinks so. I wish i could come up with one right now as an example but nothing's coming to mind. I should say though I tend to do things the most logical way and it really drives me crazy when people don't do it my way.
10. I can sing Bollywood songs even though I have no idea what I'm singing. There's this one song in Pakeezah that I can hum exactly in that whiney voice she has. It's pretty hilarious. But I can't do it in front of anyone except my husband or child because I feel too self conscious.
11. I'm antisocial. It's just that I'm greedy about my time. I'm very social though when I'm in the mood and love having people over and going out too but i have to be in the mood. It's just when i'm not in the mood, i'm really not in the mood. When people drop by unannounced, it really throws my day for a loop. Today is one of those days.
12. I lived in a schoolbus with my family for a year and a half.
I tag Farhana, Zack, Koonj, Fatima, Baji, and Que Sera Sera
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Santa in my fireplace
So, I'm sitting on my lovely couch crocheting away as the Little Dude sleeps, dh is away and I hear scratching at what I think is my window. That's not very funny I think but there's also no way I'm going to get up and look out the window to see who's scratching. I'd rather die an unsuspecting death than see the freak that's gonna get me. Yeah, I'm a chicken like that. The scratching stops so I think "hmmm, maybe it was a branch or something". Then more scratching but up high now, it's on the roof. Then i hear it in the fireplace. Sharp scratching sounds against the metal damper. Is it Santa knocking, trying to tell me that the damper is in his way. If so, he's a few weeks early. It stops. Then it starts again. Now I'm annoyed. Then i hear little animal noises. Ahaaaa - there's a squirrel in my fireplace. I don't know what to do. Do I leave him there to starve? Do I let him drop down two stories and possibly get hurt and then run after me, bite me and give me rabies or or or what do I do? I called Animal Control and am still waiting to hear back from them. It's midnight and I'm tired and the scratching goes on. And on. And on.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Does anyone have any tried and true Persian/Iranian recipes? Please send to me asap...
Monday, December 11, 2006
this guys artwork is amazing - sculptured crayons
12 days of Christmas Hindu/Indian style
Caps to the capital
Crochet or knit caps for premature babies...
Friday, December 08, 2006
Cool sock slippers
Originally uploaded by wayfarer.
The other day i was telling my husband "Look I have all these cool wool socks and I never get to wear them because it's never cold here. I'm having wool sock envy."
Well, today it's 17 degrees. It's freaking cold here and our house has this huge fireplace with no cover on it and it's stealing all my heat. This has got to be some kind of record (i'll leave it to Zack to tell me lol).
The good news is that i get to wear my cool socks from Colorado and Little Dude gets to wear his cool homemade sweater (from his something or another...husbands mothers aunt's blah blah blah).
Thursday, December 07, 2006
My favorite park in Atlanta
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Spy converted to Islam before dying...
Such a big boy now mash'Allah.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
What Yarn are you?
What kind of yarn are you?
You are Shetland Wool. You are a traditional sort who can sometimes be a little on the harsh side. Though you look delicate you are tough as nails and prone to intricacies. Despite your acerbic ways you are widely respected and even revered.
Take this quiz!
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Saturday, December 02, 2006
Rose Baby Blanket
Rose Baby Blanket
Originally uploaded by wayfarer.
This is the blanket i've been working forever on but it's sooo beautiful...it looks like a kazillion little roses. You can't quite see it in the picture but it really does look like a bunch of roses.
I didn't follow the pattern (it was my first project and i didn't think it was that important to follow the pattern). Instead of using the yarn they suggested, i used a baby soft thin yarn and instead of the hook they suggested, i used one four sizes smaller. It's turning out beautiful though as it is. It's just taking a long time because it's such thin yarn. It's turning out to be very thick though so it's a very nice quality blanket. I was making it for a gift but think i have to keep this one for my future daughter (insh'Allah). I've put way too many hours and have become way too attached to it to give this one away.
Here's the play area...
Originally uploaded by wayfarer.
The bucket thing on the left is the new purchase from michael's....with the 40% coupon, it ended up being $27. Not bad. It's much more organized than before when his toys were in a big tub. I want to combine this and this and make the tent area a tent/puppet stage thing and the bottom bucket area buckets instead of lidded buckets (to make it easier for him to put stuff in) and of course instead of saying Tyler, it will say "Little Dude - the coolest kid in the world" :-).
Friday, December 01, 2006
The older the Little Dude gets the more the house falls apart. I thought it would get easier but now it seems as one thing in the house gets cleaned or organized, the rest falls apart. He tears up this house like rock stars tear up hotel rooms. I've been in an organizing mode lately which is completely contradictory to my sit on my butt and crochet mode. Both occuring simultaneously. While i'm cleaning and organizing, i wish i were crocheting and when i'm crocheting i'm thinking i should be cleaning. These things only occur after 8 these days because i find LD derails any attempts at cleaning while he is up.
I'm very happy though about one organizational triumph. Yesterday at Michael's i went with my 40% coupon to get a nice ball of yarn but there was an organizational station for toys and i have been searching one but haven't found what i was looking for and was about to begin making my own (my dad showed me the drill and saw to get which is next up for me to buy for making wood crafts and stuff like this) but this one was good and with that coupon was super cheap. Strange though because Michael's doesn't usually sell this type of stuff and usually when i have a coupon for them it doesn't work anyway because everything i need/want seems to be on sale already so it was a double score. I would have bought it anyway. Anyway, long story short...his play area is finally organized. Does he care? No. Will it last? Nope. I'll be picking up after him during his naptime as usual. But am i happy? Yessss! I love how organized it is. And now he's a little more focused in his play....well until his favorite activity is remembered...tearing up the plants and spreading soil from one room to another. Do i really want two of these little rock stars?
from Otowi's blog...
Fire - Help Requested
A friend of mine in Denver named Marziyeh just lost her home in a fire. She is a widow with three children, the youngest 12 years old. She is a wonderful, independent, smart, very pious lady who has done more for her community wherever she's been than almost anyone else I could think of. They are staying in a hotel right now. If anyone has means to assist her and her kids or knows anyone who would help, I have address/phone/bank information for her.
I would like to humbly ask any readers here to send her a card, I am sure it would mean a lot to her.
They could be sent to Sr. Marziyeh at: (i suggest a donation as well...)
13173 East Bethany Place
Aurora, Colorado 80014