Friday, September 12, 2008

Happy days are almost here (long rant)

This has been a horrible week. By Wednesday i was a broken basket of nerves. Little Dude just isn't adjusting to preschool. They called to tell me he was crying off and on most the day. He wouldn't play on the playground. Just stood there asking the teacher "is it time to go yet?". Wait a few more minutes and then would ask again while crying and wiping his nose. His eyes were so bloodshot when i got there. Guilt. I didn't even get anything done while he was there. I was supposed to finish my book review and get organized for the party and also help organize the neighborhood party. With them calling me pushing stuff on me and pressuring me and my own guilty feelings for dropping off my son crying i was losing it. I finally went and picked him up a little early and took him out for mommy special time. Thursday was much the same. I dropped him down to two mornings against everyone's advice - they all say they adjust better with more days. I just can't do it. He's only three for God's sake. Hardly the age to be out there in the world on his own and expected to be tough. My friends think i'm a wuss. I seriously thought of pulling him out altogether. After all i only have a few more years until he starts big boy stuff and is at school the majority of his day. I only did preschool to give him some social time but i didn't want all of this.

Anyway, it seemed to be a dump on me sort of day with everyone making demands and dumping their emotional baggage on me. I couldn't get a thing done. With LD now distraught with school he's not taking a proper nap and i haven't been able to get a thing done. My husband has been working until 10 at night this month making it even harder. This week was the height of stress until today. I stayed up late last night super late and got the thing done, reread it today and sent it off. 800 pages of nonfiction is a lot. Heavy material too. Trying to stuff that into naptime isn't easy or easy on my sanity.

Instead of being responsible and running the errands i was supposed to be running today we went thrifting. LD is all of a sudden into the little legos. I love this because i love legos and finally it's something i don't get bored playing with him. The duplos are boring but he seems to enjoy the little ones, even if i have to build the stuff he tells me the pieces to use. I get so bored with the trains and cars because he only lets me play with certain trains a certain way and only certain cars lol. Now we are getting into interactive creative play and he's also really into drawing which we do together. Fun stuff. So anyway, i was on a mission to go find some buckets of legos and score i did- 4 buckets. Woo hoo. We're going to get party decorations this afternoon and then play legos. Then tonight i need to finish sewing the party giveaways - crayon rolls and art totes with art supplies. I also want to do some Ramadan projects with him. When i'm stressed out, my mind closes off and my body shuts down and i just can't function. Now i can feel myself normalize again.

With the review off my hands and sent, a little stress went with it, with no school today for him, a little more and then getting all the party stuff tonight, more will go, tomorrow i'll cook and sew and more will let go. By his party on Sunday i will be good to go and me again. Monday will be a dream and i'm planning and LD and mommy day doing something really fun then on his birthday all three and a half of us will do something really fun. Maybe NYC train museum or Crayola Factory in Pennsylvania. My mom can't make. She's just too sick. (another stresser of the week). The doctor cut me off from flying. She can't fly because she's deathly ill and needing surgery but the surgery is very risky to her heart. I want to see her, she wants to see me and neither of us can fly. It's killing me that i may never see my mother again. I'm trying to keep positive and pray for her and that we'll have a little time together but we each have a time, and her time, as i've known for a long time, is inching closer and closer to the end.

I gotta keep strong though. So many things weigh on me these days. Another one is a friend's baby is going through chemotherapy. She only has a 50/50 chance of living. Imagine a nine month old going through chemo. Kills me and there isn't a day i go without thinking about it and sad that we can't visit them. Life is a test. Must remember this. After Tuesday i'm going to do some needed Ramadan reading, an overhaul on my spirituality, and hopefully get back to preparing for my much anticipated little one.

This post has been a long ramble. Anyone stick it out till the end?


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