Friday, October 20, 2006


My mom is coming to visit for a week to see her grandson for the first time. Neither of my parents have seen their grandchild yet my inlaws have seen him several times including the six weeks surrounding his birth. We sent my mom a plane ticket and i still can't believe she's going to make the trip. I've offered the same to my father and he'll be coming insh'Allah in November.

It hurts me in a way that they didn't see him sooner. Not in a very personal way, but in the way of "no wonder i'm a little messed up with relationships way" - not that i don't have any good relationships but it wouldn't be an exageration to say that i find it hard to make to get comfortable around new people and make friends but if i hit it off with someone, i tend to keep that friend forever. I can count my true friendships on one, well maybe one and a half hands.

I attribute my lack of female connections to the fact that my father raised me and he was not home a lot so i spent a lot of time alone as a child. From the age of 4, i actually stayed home alone on my own. I'm appalled at this now since i would never leave my children alone at that age but at the time, for me it seemed normal that i walked home from school, put my key in the lock, turn on the tv, make a sandwich for myself and plop myself in front of the tv and then to fall asleep on the couch looking out the window waiting for my dad to come home. Part of it is my fault - i kicked babysitters in the shins a lot so it was hard for him to find someone to watch me. I was always mature for my age, probably because of my sisters death (i was 4).

I saw my mother rarely, i received birthday cards with a $20 bill, and each summer a bus ticket to where she lived 5 hours away. I still can't believe my parents put me on a bus alone at the age of 5 to travel 5 hours alone. I would never let my child do that. The world was not that different back then. There were creeps on the greyhound buses and even though they made me sit towards the front of the bus and asked the driver to keep an eye on me, that didn't usually happen and most of the time, the driver looked pretty creepy himself. Thank God nothing ever happened to me because it very well could have. All of these things also made me tough - people don't think i'm tough because i'm also overly sensitive...interesting combination and it makes it difficult to *really* get to know me.

Over the years, i've developed a relationship with my mother and my father and we've worked through things and have all become better people over the years. Having said all this, my mother has never been to a home of mine. This will be the first time ever she sees my life in action. When you see someone's home, you learn a lot about them. Boy this post has gotten out of hand and way too personal hasn't it?

Long story short: my mom has always crocheted, well until she got rheumatory arthritis, so this week i've learned the basic crochet stitches so we can crochet a blanket together for the Little Dude. It's a big deal to me. She's not doing well healthwise and only has a few years left, if that. We've already said our goodbyes, her asking for forgiveness and apologizing for any wrongdoing, my praying that she believes in God and asks God for foregivness for her sins before she passes and just appreciating the fact that i do have a mother that loves me, maybe not in the ideal way, but still, i know she does.

This blanket we crochet will be much more than needles and yarn, i'm sure there will be tears, love, forgiveness, healing, and insh'Allah laughter while we make it. The Little Dude may not know that when i snuggle it around him when he sleeps, craving that mother's embrace myself, that he is being surrounded by the love of his mother and his grandmother.


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