Wednesday, April 05, 2006


Today i was at the library for the baby program and struck up conversation with a few moms. I was talking to one lady and i asked if this was her first time too since she didn't seem to know the goings on - same as me. She said, "Well sort of. The nanny usually brings her." I immediately had an opinion on the matter and that was "Isn't this something mom's should do with their kids, not a nanny?"

It seems like a lot of people i know have nanny's and sometimes i get jealous. But i only want one for a few hours a week or maybe a day. Just to get housework done, writing done, and a little free time for myself whether it be a manicure or to go shopping alone without worrying about finding a dressing room to feed my kid in. I love my little guy and don't want to miss any of his moments. This is where i find myself - I want to be with him always but i want a few hours to myself a week also. The other thing is i really want to write a book and would love to devote a few hours to it a day to see where it goes but i just can't. I write sometimes when he's napping but more often i find myself doing housework, surfing the net, checking in on blogs of people i enjoy reading but more and more i feel stuck.

I feel stuck because i want to be with my son and i also want to write. When i write when he's around i feel i'm neglecting him because he looks at me and dada's baba's me which i am construing as "please play with me cause i'm booooored." I can only imagine when he starts talking or when there's a number 2.

I do feel a little jealous of the mom's who have nanny's. I sometimes wish we had one because these peoples houses are always spotless and they are always fresh looking and they brag so much about what their kids are doing. How their kids are going to an art class or gym class or music class...all starting at the age of 1 or so.

I've always wondered why parents have kids when they are the sort to ship their kids off to boarding school and basically be hands off parents. I remember meeting this sweet very shy little girl who had internation lawyers as parents and she was lucky to see her parents once a month. I found that so profusely sad.

Even if i did have a nanny, i would be the one taking my kid to storytime. Always and forever. And i will always be the one to kiss his boo boo's and put a cartoonish bandaid on all his ow'ies. I will tuck him in every night. I will be there when he wakes up. I will be the one making his baby food from scratch and feeding it to him. I will know what he likes and what he doesn't like. I will be the one to see his first steps, hear his first word, and get his hugs. I will be his mom and if that's all i do with my life, well that's enough for me.

***This is nothing against the mom's with nannies - as i said before, i am a little jealous at times. I'm just stating my life choice, something i've been developing the last few months.

Speaking of the little guy. He is waking up...we're off to play!


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